Baseball’s Unwritten Rules, In Writing

Baseball needs a little help.  America’s past pastime
is obviously incredibly busy.  So busy
that baseball has had absolutely no time in its lengthy history to sit down and
simply write out a few basic rules that apply to our beloved game.  In most other sports, the rules are made
available to anyone willing to read up on them.
But baseball has a set of secret rules that all players and fans are
supposed to know.  In most circles, these
are referred to as “The Unwritten Rules of Baseball.”  It may sound crazy to a normal person to have
a set of rules that definitely do apply, but aren’t actually written down
anywhere.  But keep in mind that baseball
plays nearly 2400 games a season, each of them detrimental to weed out the good
teams from the rest of the pack.  So despite
my other responsibilities as a husband, father, employed adult, and my overall
dwindling interest in this quickly decaying sport, I’ve decided to do baseball
a solid.  After 300 years of confusion,
finally the “Unwritten” will become “Written.”
What follows is the official written list of unwritten rules.  You’re welcome baseball.

  1. You may
    not lay down a bunt to break up a no-hitter.
    Okay, so it’s not technically against the rules.  But everyone knows that you just don’t do
    that.  Sure it counts as a hit if you can
    pull it off, but it’s just not that cool.
    Perhaps you could say that the defense should be ready for any type of
    offense.  But really, what kind of
    competitor doesn’t have the best interests of the opposing pitcher’s legacy at
    the top of his priority list?
  2. If you’re
    a pitcher, and a batter admires a homerun he’s just hit off of you for a second
    longer than makes you comfortable, you must then hurl a rock hard sphere at
    them next time they come to the plate.

    Assault with a deadly weapon?
    Nay, part of the game.  So what if
    he did just do one of the most difficult things in all of sports, he has no
    business looking at it.  The only
    feasible solution would be to hit him with a ball.
  3. If you’re
    a pitcher, and the opposing pitcher has hit one of your teammates with the
    ball, you must then hurl a rock hard sphere at an opposing player of equal or
    greater value.
      You know what they
    say, “Don’t scratch it or it’ll get worse.”
    They also say “Eye for an eye” which is a little more applicable here.  The only way to teach an opposing pitcher a
    lesson is obviously to do the exact same thing back.  That’s pretty much the basis of all justice
    systems.
  4. Never
    mention a no-hitter during a no-hitter. 
    It’s
    a proven fact that doing so will result in a base hit 10 times out of 10.  I think I saw that on Sports Science, or
    maybe Manswers.  I don’t remember.  Just don’t do it alright?
  5. You may
    not show any sort of positive emotion whatsoever. 
    Doing so would clearly be a display
    solely intended to show up your opposition, which would just be wrong.   If you would like to show emotion while
    playing, just be sure that it’s 100% negative and all aimed at the umpires.  They deserve it for being such lousy human
    beings.  As a matter of fact, take all
    the time you want degrading his family and sexual prowess while your saliva
    particles gradually saturate his entire face.
    After all, grown men throwing tantrums are what people tune in for.  To Hell with the game.  If you can remember, kick a little dirt at
    him too.  That’s super awesome.
  6. If you’re
    a base runner and an opposing player  is
    standing between you and your desired destination, or has the potential to turn
    a double play, you must make the physical obliteration of said opponent your
    top priority, then worry about touching the base.
      We call them hard slides, or collisions at
    the plate.  And if it already has a name,
    then it’s part of the game.  Forget
    safety people, this is baseball.  Don’t
    sign up if you don’t want to assume the risk.
    I mean, should a fireman want a more flame retardant suit?  You’re gonna get hot dude, just deal with
    it.  Am I right or am I right?

I know there are
only six rules listed here, and hundreds more not listed.  But I feel we’ve covered the really important
ones.  I could’ve included some others
like “Don’t make the first or last out at third base.”  But to me that’s pretty basic strategy, like “Don’t
throw interceptions.”  All I’ve done here
is try to clear up some of the murkiness surrounding this topic.  And if you look back through this article
very carefully, you may find a few instances where I may have added just a dash
of sarcasm.  In all honesty I find
unwritten baseball rules to be some of the stupidest things in all of
sports.  The truth is, if it’s not
written, then it’s just not a rule.  In
fact, it would seem that most of baseball’s unwritten rules could use some
written rules to outlaw them.  Why is the
answer to so many disputes in baseball to just throw a heater at someone?  Baseball’s are pretty solid and have been
known to do damage.  Think about
that.  If a guy looks at his homerun for
a couple of seconds, or throws a fist-pump, or winks, or smiles, the only
solution is to drill him with a baseball.
How am I the only one who thinks that sounds insane?

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